Family members and friends can unintentionally hurt the feelings of couples dealing with infertility. Although it may seem natural to ask couples when they plan to have children, even this question can be hurtful for some. If you ask and don’t get a straight answer, drop the subject. If a friend confides in you about fertility issues, listen without judgment.
Here is a “top five” list of things NOT to say or ask someone trying to get pregnant.
5. “It’s just stress.”
Stress may not help the baby making process, but—infertility is a medical condition. Stress doesn’t cause tubes to be blocked, sperm counts to be low or ovarian reserve to be diminished. It is very stressful to try to get pregnant and most patients are already trying to minimize stress.
4. “Is it you or your partner that has the problem?”
This question may be asked innocently, but it is not helpful. Although the source of infertility may determine what treatments are indicated, it is private information and generally not supportive of the couple or their attempts to build a family together.
3. “Maybe you should stop doing … (insert exercise, drinking milk, eating soy, drinking coffee, working…etc.)”
Infertility patients ask themselves these questions all of the time and work with their physicians to identify factors that may help their individual circumstances. Not only can it be hard to identify these factors, taking away some of them (such as exercise or working) may not necessarily be positive, either increasing stress or diminishing self-worth.
2. “Have you considered adoption or egg donation?”
Couples may think about adoption but may not be ready to consider alternatives to conceiving with their own eggs/sperm. Egg donation brought up at an inappropriate time may be devastating to the female partner if she isn’t comfortable with the idea or hasn’t explored all options for using her own eggs. If you don’t have complete knowledge of where someone may be in the decision-making process, avoid bringing up alternative options for parenting.
1. “Are you sure you really want to put yourselves through all of this?”
My patients tell me that this question is one of the hardest to answer. No one wants to put themselves “through all of this.” I have yet to meet a single patient who is hoping that IVF is needed to get pregnant. By definition, people undergoing treatment for infertility are not getting pregnant the way that they wanted to, and we need to be sensitized to the fact that they are making the best decisions that they can.
It is clear that there are many unhelpful things to say and do, but having a few key people to confide in may be invaluable to infertile couples. Ways to support a couple struggling with infertility include:
- Listen. Give your friends space – don’t bombard with questions. Share your concern and support. Wait for them to tell you what is going on, and listen to what the couple is experiencing.
- Offer to be a source of support, but respect their need for privacy.
- Recognize that infertility treatment can take years to resolve—and that resolution can have many forms. Don’t minimize the pain and grief, and don’t offer false hopes.
- Reassure your friend/family member that you love them no matter what—and this is not related to their ability to have a child.
- Try to make time for activities with friends that don’t involve children.
- If it’s a family member dealing with infertility, cut them some slack around family/baby-centered events and holidays. Don’t take it personally if the couple decides to skip family events. The winter holidays, anniversaries of pregnancy losses, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day all are often hard for couples with infertility.
- Support whatever decisions a couple makes regarding treatment. A patient told me that one of the most supportive things a friend said to her was, “Whether it is through pregnancy or adoption, I know that you will be a great mom someday.”
The Center for Fertility and Reproductive Health at Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates prides itself on providing comprehensive fertility care, including advanced Reproductive Surgery and IVF with a seamless transition to OB care and other specialty services. To learn more about our team, please visit www.harvardvanguard.org/fertility.
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